Chapter 23

“Remember how I told you Gavin took me to our eighth-grade banquet?” I segued into my next thought.

Greg smiled and responded, “Yes. You never did say if that evening ended with a kiss.”

I grinned and shook my head. “No, nothing like that.”

“Really?” Greg’s eyebrows rose. “Why not?”

“Because I knew there was plenty of time for that later, I suppose. Besides, it was our first date. I would never kiss a guy on a first date.” My tone carried an underlined, “Duh!”

Wonder reflected in Greg’s eyes. “Seriously? Not even if you wanted to and the attraction was there?”

“Oh, the attraction was there, all right,” I quickly confirmed. “That was not the issue. It would have been very hard not kissing him had he actually attempted a kiss at the end of the evening,” I admitted, “but that was never going to happen.” I shook my head again, grounded in my answer.

Greg’s grin widened as he waited for my explanation.

“What would that have said about me?” I challenged his thinking. “That I’m easy? That I wanted our relationship to focus on the physical side of things and nothing more?” I shook my head a third time. “Nope. He would’ve never gotten to know the real me if I had just ‘given away the farm,’ like my grammy used to say.”

Greg’s facial expression conveyed amused approval. “Those are some pretty lofty standards in today’s society,” he acknowledged. “I can’t imagine they’ve always been easy to keep.”

“Sometimes they weren’t,” I admitted, “but they’re not my standards. They’re God’s, and that’s what makes them worth keeping.” Greg studied my face, expecting more, so I continued. “1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 says, ‘For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.’”

Greg probed further. “And did Gavin share these beliefs?”

“I would like to think so. If not, he at least respected mine.”

Greg seemed at a loss for words. “You amaze me, Hope. I’m not sure where your current lack of confidence comes from, or why you think you need my help fixing your problems,” he confesssed, “ because you have quite the head on your shoulders. I actually wish more of my patients were like you, grounded in their faith, having a strong understanding as to why they do what they do; but, then again, I might not have a job, if that were the case.” We both chuckled. “Why don’t you tell me how your relationship with Gavin progressed.”

I thought back, considering the events with Gavin that meant the most to me. “During the second semester of my eighth-grade year, I chose to publicly give my life to Christ through baptism. Spring had arrived, so everything about the occasion felt fresh and alive—new beginnings. Gavin being there just made the day all the more special. He had agreed to sing a duet with me for special music that morning. Harmonizing on stage topped off what felt like the perfect celebration. As beautiful as that day was, however, the rest of the semester didn’t play out as anything spectacular between us.”

Greg eyed me curiously.

“I spent the next three months through graduation watching him chase every skirt in class. Judging by his actions, you’d have never known he’d once had feelings for me. Even made me wonder if I had just imagined the whole thing. He’d purposefully flirt with other girls right in front of me, too, making sure he was still on my radar. Know what I mean?”

“I do.” Greg picked up on my despondency. “And how did that make you feel?”

“I wished I was the one capturing his attention,” I admitted. Raw honesty allowed me to expose my true feelings. “Deep inside, I think Gavin knew I felt this way, too, but that didn’t stop him from sowing his wild oats or damaging our friendship. I think he figured he could do no wrong and that I’d always be there, so that gave him permission to disregard my feelings.”

“I’m guessing he would’ve been right,” Greg wagered.

“Sadly, he would’ve been.” I fidgeted with my thumbnails, a heavy cloud of regret descending on my emotions. “The naive younger me would’ve been considered a die-hard romantic, holding onto any glance or gesture, believing there might be something more to it. But, despite Gavin not choosing me over the other girls, I made every effort to be happy for him. I just couldn’t understand why he’d choose them and not me? How could I have gotten the signals all wrong?”

Greg stroked the stubble on his chin then pinched his lower lip to help him concentrate better. “So, what I’m hearing you tell me is that Gavin was a player.”

I shook my head. “No. I don’t think so—though I’m sure several people thought he was. I just never saw him that way. To me, he was just a normal guy who hadn’t decided what he wanted yet, and I assumed he was trying to prevent me from ending up with a broken heart while he was figuring it all out.”

Greg smiled at my openness. “So, what happened next?”

“Gavin moved away to a boarding academy our freshman year of high school, and I attended a Christian academy closer to home. In a sense, I guess you can say we went our separate ways.”

Greg leaned back in his chair and prepared to hear more.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I stood at the partially opened door to Gavin’s bedroom, tapping gently to announce my arrival. “Knock, knock. Anyone home?” I hesitantly pushed on the wooden barrier, unsure of what I might find on the other side.

Gavin sat on the floor in the middle of the room, stacks of laundry, books, and years of memories neatly organized in piles all around him. “Hey, You! What are you doing here?” His face lit up like the Fourth of July. Popping to his feet, he sidestepped several stacks of papers and drew me into a warm hug.

Squeezing Gavin’s ribs, I matched his enthusiasm. “Your mom let me in. Hope that was OK.”

“You know you’re always welcome here,” he promptly replied. “No reason needed.”

“Even so, I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to say goodbye.” I squeezed a little tighter.

“Yeah, the big school move is just around the corner,” he confirmed. “Can’t believe summer’s almost over.” He pressed his cheek to the top of my head, the muted scent of aftershave melding with his sentiments. “It’s so good to see you! I’m glad you chose to stop by.”

I poked him in the ribs with my free hand, lending to the playfulness of the moment. “Tell me again why you chose to move halfway around the world,” I teased.

Jumping at my touch, he contorted his torso to avoid my reach. “Better opportunities elsewhere, I guess.” He giggled like a girl. “What did I ever do to you, Woman? You’re in rare form today.” He danced a silly jig, evading the tips of my fingers.

“Hmm. Where do I start?” I pretended to recall a long list of infractions.

“OK, OK,” he submitted through bouts of laughter. “You may have something there, but may we please call a truce?” He captured my wrist, ceasing its movement. “You win. You’ve obviously found my ticklish spot.”

“OK, truce,” I conceded, opening my palms to show submission. “In all seriousness, it wasn’t my intent to interrupt your work. This was just supposed to be a quick ‘hello’ and ‘good-bye,’ not a distraction.” Glancing around the room, I raised my eyebrows.

Gavin followed my gaze, releasing my wrist. “It’ll all get done sooner or later.” He resigned himself to the inevitable. “Not like it’s going anywhere.”

“Yeah, but this is still a lot. When did you say you were leaving?” I referenced the many piles on the floor.

“Two days, I think. Not sure without looking at a calendar.” He threw up his hands as if surrendering to the unknown. “Who knew I had so much stuff?”

I laughed, noting his whimsical tone. “Apparently, not you.”

Tiptoeing around neatly folded stacks of shorts and shirts, Gavin returned to his original spot in the middle of the room, plopping down amidst a fortress of gizmos and gadgets.

“Need some help?” I offered.

“I wish! Unfortunately, this is something I’m gonna have to tackle on my own, but thanks for asking.”

Leaning down, I picked up a 4×6 photograph from the floor at the foot of Gavin’s bed and examined both sides. “Hey, what’s this? I think I may know these people.” Punk hair, hot pink lip gloss, and black eyeliner suggested the photo came from the nineteen eighties. I smiled, handing Gavin the newly-discovered image.

“Well, that’s you on the right, and the Don Johnson wannabe appears to be me.” His amusement filled the air, making fun of his wedge haircut and feathered bangs. Pointing at his glossy black high-tops in the picture, he added, “Those were some pretty stylin’ shoes, though.”

“Right off the pages of Teen Magazine,” I emphasized.

“Hey! Anybody who was anybody could be found on those pages,” he bolstered the reason for our clothing choice.

“True. I just don’t ever remember looking that ridiculous.” I shook my head, staring at our unique fashion sense.

“Ridiculous? Or super trendy?” Gavin winked.

“Like, super trendy,” I flaunted my version of a Valley Girl accent.

“That voice is so not you,” he teased.

“For real….” Not being able to stay in character, I busted out laughing. “How did you end up with that photo of us, for real?”

Flipping the photo over, Gavin looked for a date, coming up blank. “If I remember correctly, we had a rummage sale and car wash with our youth group a few years ago? Remember that?”

I nodded. “Yeah. How could I forget?”

Gavin grinned. “I think that’s when this photo was taken. I know it wasn’t that long ago, but, man! We look young!”

Peering over his shoulder, I marveled at what a couple years could do. “We really do, and that hair! It’s almost a foot tall. What was I thinking? That’s blackmail if I ever saw it!”

“Nah. You were rockin’ that look.” Tapping the edge of the photo, Gavin added, “Wasn’t this also the same day we had that colossal water fight?” His eyes danced with reminiscent mischief. “Those were some good times.”

“Maybe for you,” I jibed. “I don’t remember you ending up looking like a drowned rat.”

“Oh, I remember a lot of people getting drenched that day, myself included.” His eyes twinkled. “Hundred degree weather just screams, ‘Time for a Super Soaker.’”

“Oh, so you were the one who brought the water guns!” I called for accountability.

My lightbulb moment brought on a hearty laugh from Gavin. “I will never tell.”

I stuck out my tongue. “Regardless, you must burn that photo.” I grabbed the it from his hand and waved it in his face.

Snatching it back, Gavin comically rebutted, “Absolutely not! This is priceless. I plan on keeping it for-ever.” Pressing the photo to his heart, he eyed me playfully. “This could fetch me a pretty penny someday.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” I played along.

“Or would I?” he flirted, turning and tucking the picture under a pair of jeans against the far wall. In spite of his efforts, one of the corners remained visible from under the cuff of a pant leg.

I rolled my eyes. “You’re not very good at hiding things.”

He shrugged. “Maybe not, but it’s safe for now.” His eyes sparkled as he flashed his pearly whites. Pushing himself to a standing position, he stepped over a pile of cassette tapes and headed for his desk. “Got time for one more thing?”

“Sure, why not?” I watched him swivel a computer chair across the room’s thick tan carpet until it came to rest in front of me.

“Here. Have a seat,” he offered.

I eyed him quizzically. “Am I going to need this?”

“Prolly not, but I want you to be comfy, anyhow. I have something I want you to see, but it’s in the other room. Give me a sec. I’ll be right back.” He promptly left the room, leaving me to wonder.

“I’ll be right here,” I responded, sitting down on the chair. Twisting from side to side, I kept myself entertained.

“Found it!” he declared a few moments later, stepping back into the doorway. The surprise remained hidden behind his back. “Now close your eyes, and hold out your hands,” he instructed.

I managed to suppress my suspicion and distrust and did as instructed. “Do I dare trust you?” I cracked an eyelid.

His smile widened. “You know you can. Now, no peeking.”

I held my palms face up and closed both eyes as he neared my chair. “OK. What is it, and why all the secrecy?”

“You’ll see, but keep your eyes closed till I tell you it’s OK to open them.” A featherlight breeze brushed my fingertips then a lightweight item came to rest on top of my hands. Another photo? Maybe paper of some sort? The feel eluded me. “You may open your eyes now.”

I obeyed directions then studied the keepsake in my possession. “I don’t understand. This looks like one of our seventh- or eighth-grade worksheets.” I made eye contact with Gavin, questioning its significance.

“It is,” he answered. “I came across it this morning when I started going through my stuff.”

I still didn’t quite make out the meaning. “And you find it special, why?”

Gavin stared into my soul as he inhaled slowly. “Because that’s the assignment that brought me to you.” Genuine. Unsensored. Real. His smile spread from his mouth into his eyes—dark brown eyes that shielded most people from seeing his true vulnerability, but I saw it. I looked down at the paper then back up at him. As if reading my mind, he added, “Yes, I kept it. That’s the actual paper you caught me cheating on.”

The moment began feeling very intimate, causing my heart to begin pounding in my ears, my breaths suddenly drawn out and labored. What’s happening here? Where is that look from Gavin coming from? And why is he getting sentimental over me? Nothing made sense.

Gavin scooted a few books out of his way and knelt in front of me, taking my hand in his. “Hope, you have to know I think the world of you. Sure, we knew each other before that day in Ms. Hardwood’s class, but something changed that day when you chose to stand up to me and challenge my beliefs.”

“But?” I know the beginning of a contrasting clause when I hear one, I thought. This can’t be good.

His countenance shifted. “It’s no secret I’ve had feelings for you. They’ve been there for a very long time,” he admitted.

“But?” I repeated. Get to the punchline. I know when I’m being brushed off.

“But you’re not someone a guy would mess around with. You’re someone a guy would marry.” Blind sided in the worst of ways, I struggled to keep the disappointment from reaching my face. “You deserve someone who will give you the world—someone who will make you his world—but, that’s not me, not now, anyway.” His eyes begged me to understand, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. “I want you to go on with your life while I’m away at school,” he encouraged. “Get out there. Date. Have fun. Live a little. And do it knowing you have my blessing.” He studied my face, tucking his chin into his chest to look up into my eyes. “Girl, I know you. I don’t want you sitting around waiting for the likes of me. I’m not worth it.”

Dumbfounded, I straightened my shoulders and cleared my throat, emotion constricting my voice. “Don’t you think I should be the one to decide that?” I countered. “After all, it is my life.” Gavin didn’t answer, so I swallowed hard and continued. “Well, thank you for not stringing me along. I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there who will love picking up where you’ve left off.” My snarky tone surprised even me.

“Hope, please don’t be made at me,” Gavin begged. “I don’t want to lose your friendship. You’re taking this all wrong.”

“Am I?” A stray tear trickled down my cheek as I wrestled with all the implications brought on by his words. “And how am I supposed to take it? You’ve led me on for a very long time, letting me believe there was more between us than just friendship, and now you’re gonna tell me I’m supposed to just stop having feelings for you?” A wave of emotion welled up from deep down inside me, exposing great fears and profound loss. I struggled to push down the rising lump in my throat. I am not going to cry. I am stronger than this. You do not get to break me, I battled Gavin inside my head.

“There was something there,” he insisted, “but there can’t be now. I wish you could understand why.” He sighed heavily, digging his hands into his pockets while sitting back on his heels. “I’m saying this, because I don’t want you wasting your life waiting for something that may never happen. You need to move on.”

I shook my head in disbelief, trying to dispel the surreal atmosphere surrounding the two of us. Sarcasm dripped from my words. “Now I feel crazy and stupid. Thanks.”

“Don’t,” he dissuaded. “You’re not crazy. It’s never wrong to love somebody. I will always treasure that gift from you.”

“But?” I countered again.

“If you love me, you’ll set me free.” His cliché cheapened the moment.

Cupping the side of my face with his hand, Gavin looked deep into my eyes, an apology bigger than words staring back at me. “Promise me you’ll keep in touch. I don’t want to lose you as a friend. That part is real. Please don’t throw our friendship away.” His voice reflected sincere desperation.

“I’ll try,” I answered, “but I’m not promising anything.” Helping me to my feet, Gavin wrapped his arms around my shoulders, and I hugged him close, resting the side of my face against his heart. “You will always be in my prayers,” I whispered.

Gavin squeezed tighter and whispered back, “And you will always be in mine.”