Chapter 28

Ring! Ring! Pause. Ring! Ring!

Determined to save my virginity, I gave one last-ditch effort to free myself from Gavin’s captive posturing. “Please, let me answer it. You never know who it might be.” I squeezed my eyes shut, begging God for assistance.

“It’s probably just some telemarketer,” Gavin refuted my desperation, “but, fine. If it’ll make you happy, go answer the phone.” He rolled to the side of me, releasing a disheartened groan.

Recognizing my freedom, I scrambled to my feet and sprinted across the living room and dining room, reaching the phone in record time, answering with a miraculous calmness in my voice. “Hello?”

“Hey, Hope, this is Amber. You know, from school?”

“Oh, yes. Hi, Amber. I haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it going?” I tried showing interest in her call, but my mind remained wrapped up in the image of Gavin lying on the floor, my lips still pulsing heat. Amber’s never called here before, I mused. What could she possibly want? I tried honing in on the reason for her interruption.

“Yeah, it has been a while, hasn’t it?” she laughed, giddiness engulfing her words. “Everything’s fine, but enough about me. I’m actually calling because I need something, and I figured you might be able to help.”

“Oh?” This should be good, I thought, waiting for her to explain.

“Yeah, I’m looking for Gavin. You haven’t happened to see him today, have you?”

I nearly choked on her inquiry, mentally rehashing her question before answering. That’s an odd thing to ask. Why would I be a go-to person? We never do anything together. What makes you think he’d be hanging out with me? Trying to sound normal, I chose my response carefully. “Gavin? As in Gavin Jacobs? Why are you looking for him?”

“Do you remember Jill from our junior high days?” Amber replied with gossipy overtones.

I’m not sure what she has to do with our conversation at the moment, but…. “Yes. Of course, I remember Jill,” I answered. “What does she have to do with this?”

“Well, she’s over at my house right now, and she’s trying to find him. You know they’re dating, right?”

Everything inside me went cold, my knees threatening to buckle. “Um, no, I hadn’t heard. Last I knew, he was single.” I turned and stared at Gavin still lying on the floor, a dagger-like feeling plunging into my gut.

“Oh, no! They are quite the item,” Amber boasted of first-hand knowledge. “Gavin’s even planned this sweet li’l getaway for them down at the Keys this summer before school restarts. Anyway, Jill got into town earlier than expected this afternoon, and she’s been trying to locate him so they can meet up. We’ve called all over town, but nobody seems to know where he’s disappeared to. It’s like he just fell off the face of the earth.” Amber sounded beside herself. “He happened to mention your name in passing the other day when I saw him at the grocery store–said something about how well your youth meetings went and how you helped out–so I figured we’d try your house as a last resort. Any chance he’s with you?”

Instant betrayal began turning my insides into knots. “As a matter of fact, he is,” I divulged. “He came over for lunch this afternoon and just happens to still be here. Would you like to speak with him?”

“Oh, that would be wonderful!” Amber’s excitement flared. “Jill will be so happy!”

Oh, no she won’t, I internalized, wanting to shout. If she knew what he’s been up to, she’d be mortified. I know I am. I cringed as the innocence of my afternoon morphed into an ugly, bitter, tainted memory immersed in guilt and shame. I touched my lips, as if doing so would erase the feel of Gavin on my skin. I am not that kind of girl. I did not just kiss another girl’s boyfriend. How could he do this to me–to her? I shook my head, repulsed by the thought.

“Here, Amber. He’s all yours.” I crossed the room and shoved the cordless phone into Gavin’s hand. He looked up, baffled by my mood and confused by the sudden change in my behavior. “Your girlfriend’s looking for you,” I answered his dumbfounded expression. “You know, Jill?” I crossed my arms, feeling a scowl creep across my face.

Sitting up, Gavin took the phone from me, running a loose hand through his hair. “Hey, Amber! This is Gav. What’s up?” Perplexed by the call, his voice carried a somewhat irritated tone.

“Hey, Gav, whatcha doin’?” Amber’s nosiness carried halfway across the room.

What does that matter? I wanted to yell. It’s none of your business what Gavin’s doing with me. Just get to your point. The scowl on my face deepened as I stared at Gavin, almost afraid of what he might say.

“I’m just having dessert,” he answered, winking at me. Patting the floor, he motioned for me to join him.

“Are you crazy? Absolutely not,” I mouthed the words.

Surprised by my rejection, he mouthed back, “Why not?”

I stared him in the eyes, annoyed by his lack of remorse. Isn’t that obvious? You just used me to cheat on your girlfriend. The reason should be blatantly clear. I remained quiet while Amber continued her probing into Gavin’s whereabouts.

“Well, when are you planning on heading this way? Jill’s at my house now, and she’s waiting for you to come over so she can be with you.” Her neediness exuded through the earpiece.

Gavin rolled his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. “Look, Amber, I’m not really sure why you felt the need to track me down,” he answered, “but my afternoon plans don’t involve Jill, and I’m kind of in the middle of something at the moment. Can we talk later?” He looked at me, as if apologizing.

“But we’ve been trying to get ahold of you all afternoon,” Amber exaggerated. “Can I give Jill an approximate time? Say thirty…forty minutes?” Amber’s emotional theatrics escalated the real drama unfolding in my heart.

“No,” Gavin snapped. “Stop trying to trap me with your antics. I just told you, my afternoon plans do not include Jill. I’d appreciate you backing off.”

Irritation grew in Amber’s voice. “So, what am I supposed to tell her? She’s really wanting some one-on-one time with you, Gav.”

“Tell her whatever you like,” Gavin retorted, “just stop dragging me into it. This is not the time or place. You need to give me some space.”

“OK,” Amber sulked. “We’ll see you whenever you get here.”

Gavin grunted a gruff “whatever” then handed me the phone. Returning it to its charger, I stood by the kitchen sink, mulling over what had just happened. Nothing made sense. Overwhelmed and distraught, I forced back my shoulders, took in a deep breath, and pretended to own the smallest amount of dignity while walking back into the living room.

Frustration spelled itself out across Gavin’s face. “Sorry about the call. I had no idea Jill would try hunting me down. I thought coming over here this afternoon would give me a break from everybody else’s expectations for a few hours. Guess I was wrong.” He sighed.

Looking at him sitting on the floor, the sadness in my heart deepened. “Yeah, guess I was wrong, too.”

Gavin stared back at me, unable to read my emotions. “What do you mean by that?” He touched his lips as if reliving our intimacy.

“Your girlfriend, Gavin? Really? Your girlfriend?” The abuse of my trust resonated through my bones until I felt like vomiting. “I’m not that girl! I have never been that girl. You know that! You, of all people! I trusted you.” Disgust dripped from my words.

“This isn’t that.” The hurt in Gavin’s eyes begged me to believe him.

“Then, please, enlighten me. Because, by what I just heard, you still have a girlfriend. Go ahead and tell me how you didn’t just cheat on her with me.” I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth, even as I spoke them. “I feel cheap. Used. How could you?”

He winced at my accusation. “It’s not that simple.”

My eyes widened. “It most definitely is that simple! Either you have a girlfriend or you don’t. There is no in between. I’m not sure how it could be more cut and dried.” Tears choked my speech, an overwhelming loss engulfing my senses. “Are you still dating her or aren’t you? I want the truth.”

Gavin stared down at his hands for a moment then looked up into my eyes, risking judgment. “I broke up with Jill at the beginning of the summer—just like I told you outside,” he answered. “Apparently, she doesn’t want us to be over, but I’m telling you the truth. We’re not together any more. I promise. I’m not leading her on or lying to you. I had the difficult talk with her about my feelings and us being through weeks ago, but she won’t take no for an answer. There’s not much I can do about that.” His whole countenance sagged. “I don’t know what else you want to hear. This is not how I saw today going.”

Slumping onto the couch, I hung my head, trying to deconstruct the truth. “And what about us? What is this?” I motioned to Gavin and then myself. “How did we get here?”

Gavin shrugged then lowered his eyes. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? How do you not know? You’re the one who started all this after telling me not to wait for you. Remember that conversation in your bedroom?” Gavin nodded. “I have respected your wishes–wishes that didn’t match my own–and I moved on without you. But then you came back this summer, and you sought me out. Today was your doing.” Bewilderment wrapped itself around my heart, craziness threatening to undo me. “Just a few minutes ago you were confident there was a future for us—that there was something real going on between us. And the way you just kissed me….” I couldn’t find words for the level of passion that had sparked between us. “That was more than just a kiss. It was desire. It was oneness. You made me want you, and you made me believe the feelings between us went both ways.” The threat of tears constricted my throat. “I feel so stupid now!”

“I don’t know what to tell you,” he repeated.

Trying to salvage my dignity, I swallowed hard and pointed to the door. “I need you to leave. Just get your stuff and go,” I instructed. Gavin’s weary gaze met mine, unable to find the will to fight. Lifting himself off the floor, he stood and headed to the front door. I followed close behind.

Slipping into his loafers, he stepped through the doorway, took a few steps, then turned and looked at me. “Please don’t stay mad at me forever,” he implored. “I would never do anything to hurt you. You have to know that.”

“Do I?” I stared at him in disbelief. “You just did. Not only that, you took advantage of me as well, and now you expect me to forget all about it?”

“That’s not what I was doing,” he defended himself. “It’s just that, well, you’re not someone a guy would mess around with. You’re someone a guy would marry.”

The look on his face drove the ache in my heart to the point of actual physical pain. “What does that even mean?”

Gavin dug his hands into his pockets and sighed. “That means I have a lot of stuff to sort through before I can commit not just to you but to anyone.” His eyes searched mine for something to give him hope. When I didn’t answer, he added, “You deserve a guy who will treasure you and treat you like gold. Please don’t let me stand in the way of you finding that.”

I stared back, astounded. “Why can’t that be you? For me, it’s always been you. You have to know that. That’s not new news to you. Why do you think I’ve waited all these months and years for you to figure things out? I don’t want some other guy. I want you. I’ve been saving myself for you.” The agony in my heart crippled my ability to say more.

Gavin shook his head, rejecting my reality. “I’m not the guy you think I am, Hope. I’m not the man you want.” Shame coated his words as he lowered his eyes before looking back up at me. “You need to find someone who is worthy of you and your love. That’s not me.”

Anger rose from my shattered dreams. “No! You don’t get to make me feel and sound crazy,” I retaliated. “I did not just imagine that kiss…that look in your eyes…the way you touched me…the way you wanted me…the words that came out of your mouth. That was you. That was all you!” I pointed to the living room, wondering if I had just stepped into another dimension.

“I can’t explain what happened in there,” Gavin accepted responsibility for his actions. “I shouldn’t have allowed things to go as far as they did; but, I did, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry. Blame me. Be angry at me. I give you my permission. But, please…. Don’t let this keep you from moving on and having the life you deserve.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I paused and looked at Greg, driving home the importance of the moment. “There are pivotal moments in everyone’s life when you know the moment you’re standing in is changing life as you’ve known it and life as it will be. My moment happened that day, staring into Gavin’s eyes. My entire future shattered into a million pieces. Hopes and dreams ruined. Trust and friendship decimated. Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe the feelings that left me completely raw and exposed.”

Greg nodded. “That’s a very profound understanding.”

I shrugged. “Something inside has never been the same.”

“With good reason,” Greg confirmed. “Is there more?”

I sighed. “There is.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“You don’t get to kiss me like that and just walk away,” I fumed. “That wasn’t just a kiss in there, and you know it!” I struggled to maintain my sanity. “I deserve a better answer than that. You owe me that much!” My words echoed off the neighbors’ houses, reverberating at my core. I pressed the palms of my hands against my temples and willed my world to stop spinning. “I don’t know how I’m ever going to forgive you, Gavin. There’s no undoing this. There’s no going back.”

Gavin cringed, absorbing my hurt. “I agree. You deserve a better answer, but I just don’t have one to give,” he apologized. “I am so sorry. This isn’t about you. It’s me.” Sadness filled his eyes, his words empty and forlorn. “I wish I could give you more—I really do—but there’s nothing I can say that will take away what you’re feeling right now.” He dug his hands deeper into his pockets, remorse forming an impenetrable barrier between us. “I won’t blame you if you never speak to me again.”

Betrayal twisted my insides into a massive knot as I forced myself to look him in the eyes one last time before he left. “Oh, don’t worry,” I promised. “I won’t blame me, either.”