Chapter 29

After Gavin’s departure, I couldn’t face Mom or Dad, so I made my way around the kitchen in a numb state: tidying the counter, turning off the oven, leaving the pie on a cooling rack. Finding my way to the kitchen phone, I pushed through my mental fog and punched in Val’s number, listening while it rang. “Hey, Val. This is Hope.” I cut to the chase when I heard her voice. “I need to get out of the house for a bit. Mind if I come over?”

“Not at all. You know you’re always welcome here. What’s going on, Kiddo? You sound upset. Does this have anything to do with Gavin and the date you told me you were going on today?” Concern hedged her words.

I swallowed the lump forming in my throat and fought back tears. “Yeah. I’ll tell you all about it when I get there. I just want to get out of here, which means I need to hang up the phone. Is now a good time to stop by?”

“Sure. Come on over,” she offered. “I’ll be here. Let yourself in if I don’t hear the door.”

“OK. Thanks.” I closed my eyes against the ache in my heart and released a deep anxious sigh. “See you in a few.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The drive across town blurred through the front windshield as I fought back tears that kept threatening to spill down my face. I breathed heavily between red lights and stop signs, trying to hold back my emotions. It proved to be a monumental task. I could smell Gavin on everything—my hair, my clothes, my skin. I could even still feel him on my lips. The surrealness of the afternoon lingered, strong and menacing, and I wanted it to make sense. I needed it to make sense.

Rolling down the windows, the late-summer noises and sweltering afternoon heat transported me back to a picnic wonderland where sitting on a blanket with Gavin promised security and a future, my hand nestled safely in his. The ache in my chest pulsed through my veins, causing tears to drip from my chin and saturate my shirt, tormenting my sanity. Things are never going to be the same, I mourned. This was not how our story was supposed to end.

As I rolled to a stop in front of Val’s house, Kenny Loggins’ song “Forever” sang out of the car’s tape deck:

…The night took a hold of my heart
And left me with no one to follow
The love that I lost to the dark
I’ll always remember
Forever in my heart
Forever here you’ll be
And know that when I’m gone
You’ll be near to me
Forever in my life
Always thought I’d be
I’d be yours
Forever….

I turned off the car’s engine and began to sob. “God, I don’t understand. For years, I sat by and painfully waited for Gavin to notice me, to realize I’m not like the other girls, to see something special in me that would make him say, ‘I need her in my life. She’s the one!’ And, today, I thought that moment had come. I thought we had taken the next step, gotten beyond the childish games from grade school. I thought he finally knew what he wanted. Me.” I let out a deep sigh, running the back of my hand under my nose. “I know he wasn’t pretending–at least not at first. His transparency is what made our connection so authentic. That’s how I know I’m not crazy. It was real, wasn’t it?”

Stuttering breaths shook me to the core as tears poured down my face. “I just don’t get it. What did I do to deserve his…his…disrespect? It was just…plain…mean.” My tears refused to stop, jagged breaths making my arms shudder. “He didn’t even try fighting for me…for us. After everything we’ve been through, and then this afternoon, this doesn’t make sense. I trusted him! How could I have been so wrong?” I gasped for air, wrapping an arm around my stomach. “This hurts worse than Colleen! How is that even possible?” Reaching for a fast-food restaurant napkin tucked in the side pocket of my car door, I blew my nose, trying to erase the evidence of my mental breakdown. I then grabbed a second napkin and blotted my eyes, determined not to look like a wounded soldier.

When my breathing returned to normal, I climbed out of the car and trudged up Val’s front walk, rapping on the front door. One glance, two open arms, and the dam broke all over again. Like a big sister, Val enveloped me in a side hug, placing her arm around my shoulders. Lending her support, she walked me into the house, through the living room, and onto her enclosed back porch for some heart-to-heart girl talk. Sitting me down on her plush brown couch, she perched beside me on the armrest, handing me a tissue to wipe away more tears.

“He doesn’t want me,” I cried. “I don’t know what I did, but something went wrong today—so terribly, terribly wrong–and it can’t be undone,” I agonized. Confusion ate at my words. Spilling my anguish, the pain felt like it would swallow me alive. “Gavin is not who I thought he was, and he will never be mine. I don’t know what I was thinking!” My temples throbbed and my lungs ached. “I will never be able to trust him again. Oh, my word, this hurts so bad!” I grasped the sides of my head, unable to ease the pain.

“I’m so sorry things didn’t play out the way you thought they would,” Val sympathized, handing me a second tissue. “What exactly happened?”

“I was an idiot! That’s what happened,” I answered. “I believed Gavin was the real deal, so I let my guard down, but he just went and decimated our friendship. So much for ‘happily ever after.’”

“You don’t know that it’s over,” Val countered, still uncertain of the details. “Maybe once the dust settles….”

“But, I do know,” I interrupted, indignant. “He has a girlfriend. He kissed me like I was the love of his life, with a passion that felt like he had never kissed another woman, but, apparently, I got it all wrong. He still has a girlfriend. Him. Me. It was all a lie–one BIG. FAT. LIE! And I’m the sucker who fell for it.” I grimaced at the thought. “I feel so dirty and cheap!” A suffocating anxiety rose from inside me, guilt strangling my words. “Why would he do that to me? To her? He knows I would never cheat. I’m not a cheater. I’m not that type of girl!” I couldn’t wrap my mind around the events of the summer, but especially this particular afternoon. “How could I be so stupid?”

“Oh, Hope, this isn’t a reflection of who you are. You would’ve never kissed Gavin had you known he was dating another girl. Anyone who knows you knows that. Don’t let his actions define you. This one’s on him. His poor choices have nothing to do with you. Nothing.” I could hear the agony in Val’s voice.

“I know, but I feel like such a loser! I really believed the feelings between us were real. I would’ve never invested so much of my heart in a one-sided relationship. I must have had ‘sucker’ written all over my forehead. How gullible was I, thinking I was different from every other girl he’s ever been with? He doesn’t love me. He just said what he thought I wanted to hear, and I bought it—hook, line, and sinker. I’m so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!” I pressed my hands to my heart as tightness wrapped its ugly fingers around my chest.

“Don’t do that to yourself,” Val consoled. “The feelings you had and have for Gavin are real, and that’s what matters. Love is never a stupid decision.”

“But it doesn’t make sense.” I wrestled with the notion that Gavin had hurt me on purpose. “This wasn’t our first kiss. That means he’s had time to think and plan and know what he was going to do today. It wasn’t like it ‘just happened.’” I used air quotes. “His advances this afternoon weren’t an in-the-moment reaction. If they were, all of this might make sense. But they were thought out. Intentional. Focused on the both of us being together.” Tears ran down my cheeks, unchecked. “The Gavin I knew would’ve never done this to me. That’s why this doesn’t add up.” I twisted wet, matted tissue between my fingers and watched as it disintegrated in my hand, just like all my dreams with Gavin. “I don’t want to love him–not knowing what I know now–but I can’t make my heart stop wanting him. How awful is that?” I reached for a clean tissue and blotted my eyes, grappling with the collateral damage.

“But you do love him, don’t you—the kind of love where you can see forever, huh?” Val didn’t judge.

I nodded slowly. “It was always supposed to be him.”

“That’s a toughie,” Val acknowledged, “and you can’t argue with feelings. They just are.”

“It hurts thinking about him,” I admitted. “It’s like I can’t breathe. My heart literally aches—a deep, stabbing, knife-like pain. I swear, it feels like part of me is dying, and I don’t know how to make it stop.” Val reached over and squeezed my hand. “All my future dreams and plans had him in them—Every. Last. One. Now he’s gone, and none of it makes sense. What’s worse? I don’t know how to let him go.” I shook my head. “There’s no more hope of marriage. No possibility of raising a family together. No sharing Jesus in ministry or enjoying our golden years sitting side by side. There’s no way of fixing this. We’re through. Permanently done. I don’t know how I know this, but I do.” Heavy, heaving sobs consumed my body. “Make it go away,” I begged. “I don’t want to feel like this.”

“If you love him, Kiddo, the best gift you can give Gavin and yourself is to hand it all over to God. If it’s meant to be, God will bring him back to you. If He doesn’t, then you wouldn’t have wanted to be in that relationship anyway.” Val’s soft-spoken voice helped sooth some of the chaos raging in my mind.

“But he’s not coming back,” I reiterated. The look in Gavin’s eyes had clarified that for me. “There’s no use hoping for a different outcome. I know what I saw. I just don’t know how to say good-bye.” Regret spilled down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry you’re not getting the closure you want, but trust God to give you the support you will need,” Val persuaded. “Focus on something positive, like Psalm 57:1-2. Do you remember that verse from seventh-grade Bible class?”

I nodded, reciting the former texts from memory. “Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in You I take refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of Your wings until the disaster has passed. I cry out to God Most High, to God, Who vindicates me.”

“Just look how far He’s brought you,” Val directed my attention. “You’re fortunate. God has already given you a strong track record, showing you His faithfulness. Unlike some, you don’t have to wonder if He’s going to be there for you. You know from personal experience that He will. Your job now is to trust Him.” Val’s smile revealed a God-given peace. “I wish I had the perfect answers for you, Kiddo, or at least could explain why you’re having to go through this right now, but I can’t foresee the future any more than you can. What I do know, however, is God will be with you each step of the way. He will not fail you, and if you lean into Him, you will find His is love and strength is enough.”

I sighed and nodded my understanding. “Guess it’ll have to be.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Greg tilted his head, sadness wilting his shoulders. “So, what happened next?”

“That night, down on my knees, I prayed for Gavin,” I answered. “I prayed like I’ve never prayed before. I asked God to place the perfect person or people in his life to help bring him back into harmony with God, because I knew he was struggling. There’s no way he would’ve hurt me the way he did if he wasn’t.” I pulled a tissue out of the box on Greg’s end table and blotted the tears that started trickling down my cheeks. Wiping the wetness from my face, I paused a moment, allowing some of my emotion to subside.

“Even though Gavin was raised in the church, I’m not sure he knew where God fit into his life at that point in time, so it became my prayer that God would make sure Gavin didn’t go down any crazy, destructive paths as his search for truth unfolded.” I bit my lower lip and submerged myself in the memory. “I even requested God bring the right girl into Gavin’s life to fulfill God’s will for him—even if that wasn’t me.”

“That was quite a selfless act on your part,” Greg acknowledged.

I shook my head, not willing to accept accolades. “Not really. It was the only thing I could do.”

“Not true,” Greg replied. “You could’ve chosen self-pity for yourself, withdrawing from the world and wallowing in darkness; but, instead, you chose life. You chose to live beyond the changes and challenges that came your way. That was a truly brave decision on your part.”

I forced a smile and acquiesced. “If you say so.”

“I do.” Greg picked up his pen and flipped the yellow sheet on his notepad, revealing a clean page. “So, how did that prayer transform your thinking? Most people I counsel mention they notice improvements in their attitudes or perceptions when prayer is involved, even if their circumstances aren’t altered. Did you notice any changes in your life?”

I smiled at Greg’s curiosity. “Leaving everything in God’s hands gave me a good amount of peace,” I admitted. “Over time, the overwhelming sadness lifted, too. However, it wasn’t easy moving on.”

“Understandable. It rarely is. When did you make contact with Gavin again?”

I exhaled slowly and thought a moment. “When Gavin left my mom and dad’s house that afternoon, I didn’t see or speak with him for probably five years. He stepped out of my life without a second thought, and I let him. Only reason I knew what he was up to was because I’d run into his parents at church on occasion, and they’d fill me in.”

“I see. So, when did you actually reconnect with Gavin in person—or have you?”

I stared at my hands for several seconds, feeling the heaviness that came with the memory. “I saw Gavin at church the summer before he married Caitlyn. He was happy and healthy, and his vibrancy for life had returned. Everyone could see it. He had come home to show off his bride-to-be, and it was obvious he was in love.” I played with the nail bed of my thumb, the day repeating vividly in my mind. “When it came my turn to meet Caitlyn, the introductions were awkward and clumsy, but I appreciated being included. It was a respect I never imagined receiving from Gavin.”

“And how did you feel after learning of Gavin’s impending nuptials?” Greg ventured.

“Shocked,” I laughed, producing half a grin. “I know that sounds weird, because I knew Gavin would get married someday. I just hoped I was wrong about the feeling I had been carrying around in my gut all those years. After much soul searching, I figured he’d come back to me. He always came back to me. So, as long as he wasn’t married, there was hope.”

“But?”

“But, this time he didn’t come back. Marrying Caitlyn finalized a lot of things.” I released a controlled sigh and laid out the rest of my frustration. “The maddening part about all of it was that I couldn’t even be upset with God. Caitlyn was everything I had prayed God would give Gavin—strength, honesty, support in his Christian walk. She is a wonderful, God-fearing woman, and they make a great team.”

“But, she wasn’t you, was she?” Greg sensed my unspoken feelings.

“No, she wasn’t,” I slowly shook my head. “But that’s not what hurt. The hardest pain to swallow was never having the chance to fight for him. I was written off the moment Gavin left my parents’ house. I didn’t have a say. All I could do was thank God for answering my prayers in a positive way.” I closed my eyes for a moment as real tears found their way down my cheeks.

“And it’s still affecting you,” Greg noted.

“Sure it is.” I made eye contact, facing my truth. “It still hurts…a lot!”

“I imagine it would. That was a pretty devastating life event,” Greg affirmed.

“I felt lost for months,” I nodded. “I spent endless days trying to figure out which way was up, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. What was the point? Everything I had planned for my future was gone.”

“I get that. So, where did life take you after Gavin got married?” Greg probed.

I drew in a deep breath and remained somber. “To the beach.”