Chapter 37

“I’d be happy to drop you off at Mom and Dad’s,” Julia smiled, “but, before we go, I have a question for you.”

I noted the deep concern in her eyes. “Sure. What’s up? You sound serious.”

Julia waited for Calleigh to scamper back into the water then lowered her voice. “It may be nothing, and you can tell me it’s none of my business, if you want, but have you taken up smoking?”

I raised my eyebrows and busted out laughing. “Seriously? That’s your question? Here, I thought you were going to ask me something difficult. Of course, I’m not smoking. You know how sick the smell makes me. I wouldn’t touch those things with a ten-foot pole.” I chuckled some more.

Confusion created a deep furrow in Julia’s brow. “OK, then does Brad smoke?”

I shook my head. “Not that I know of. Why? Do you know something I don’t?”

Walking into the garage, Julia pulled out the bottom drawer of Brad’s workbench and handed me an almost-full carton of cigarettes. “I found these today when looking for the spray nozzle for the hose. I wasn’t snooping. I promise. I was just trying to find the attachment. When I couldn’t locate it, we decided to use the sprinkler, instead.” I fingered the carton, flipping it over several times for inspection. “It’s kind of an odd place to be storing cigarettes, though, don’t ya think?” she added.

I looked at her in disbelief, not quite sure what to say. “I’ve never seen these before. I’m not sure whose they are or how long they’ve been there, but I imagine they have to be Brad’s. Who else’s would they be?” A thousand questions began tumbling through my mind.

“Has he possibly taken up smoking, and you just don’t know about it?” The question sounded logical and maybe even feasible, except for one small detail.

“I would’ve noticed something like that,” I answered. “Nicotine gets on everything. You can’t exactly hide it, and you know how sensitive I am to smells.”

“True, there’s that,” Julia conceded. “Can you think of any other reason why they’d be there?”

The more I mulled over the situation, the stranger my reality became. Like pieces of a puzzle beginning to fit together, I allowed memories to surface and take shape. Last week, I found a cigarette lighter in Brad’s pant pocket while doing laundry, I recalled to myself. At the time, he told me he was holding it for a coworker. I didn’t question his answer then, because Brad often helps his friends. It was a reasonable explanation. It could’ve happened the way he said. Then I shifted to thinking about his new nightly ritual: showering when he first got home, changing into clean clothes, brushing teeth, and gargling with mouthwash, then popping a piece of spearmint gum in his mouth before greeting me. Now that could be seen as suspicious, I thought. And here I assumed he was just getting rid of the day’s stench. What was that he said? “You can’t walk into a convenience store to get some milk without walking out smelling like an ash tray”? Wow! I feel dumb. I released a long sigh.

“Guess I’ll have to discuss this with him later,” I dismissed her findings. “Go ahead and put the cigarettes back where you found them. This is the least of my worries, right now.” I tossed the packet back at Julia and watched as she returned them to the drawer.

“I’m going to go find some clothes to take over to Mom and Dad’s tonight. I won’t be long. If you wouldn’t mind keeping an eye on Calleigh for a few more minutes, I’d appreciate it.”

“Sure. Not a problem,” she answered. Walking to the spigot at the side of the house, she started turning off the water as I stepped inside the laundry room and closed the door behind me.

The stale heat penetrated my senses, unchecked tears falling aimlessly down my cheeks. As I leaned against the door, I wondered how my life had gotten so out of control. Lord, I feel like I’m going crazy, I cried. Something’s not right here. I don’t know what’s going on, but nothing is making sense. Please help!

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mom chuckled as she stepped from the guest room into the hall. “That’s one silly kid you got in there. A pink hippopotamus named Mr. Bear. I’ve never heard of such a thing.” She walked across the living room and sat down on a barstool next to the counter. “I’m supposed to tell you good night,” she informed me, watching as I dried the last of the dishes.

Placing the dishcloth over the oven handle, I forced a smile. “I’ll go give hugs and kisses in just a minute.” I placed a full kettle of water on the stove’s front burner and turned the heat to high. “Did she tell you how Mr. Bear got his name?”

Mom nodded. “Yeah, how does she come up with these things?”

“You heard her,” I maintained a smile. “Pink hippopotamuses do not wear tutus, and since hers is wearing a tutu, it must be a bear.”

“Why, of course!” Mom succumbed to the absurd. “That’s the conclusion I would’ve come up with.” She smirked.

“Calleigh is known for her big imagination,” I acknowledged.

“Yeah, well, I remember another little girl who used to be equally inventive when she was about this age,” Mom winked.

“Nothing wrong with thinking outside the box,” I playfully defended myself. “Creativity can be a lifesaver, ya know? I’ve found it to be a real handy asset these past few months.” I pulled my cell phone out of my back jean pocket and laid it on the counter.

Mom nodded toward my phone. “Has Brad called?”

“No, but he texted. Said he won’t be coming over tonight. Supposedly, he’d rather endure the heat and sleep in his own bed than have to face me.” I straightened my shoulders, releasing pressure in my lower back. “I don’t know when the power will be back on, either. He wouldn’t say. Appears I’m being given the silent treatment. That’s his go-to method of putting me in my place. Childish, but he thinks it works.” I felt my forehead scrunch as I pursed my lips.

Mom’s eyes saddened. “Has he paid the bill yet?”

“Don’t know. Prolly not,” I shrugged. “He claims we don’t have the money, but I know better. We may not be rich, but he makes enough for us to live comfortably. That’s why this is so confusing. There’s no logical reason why our electricity and water keeps being turned off. None. But he won’t talk to me, so I don’t know the real story, just all the made-up excuses he chooses to give.” I pulled the whistling kettle from the stove and filled two mugs with steaming hot water, submerging a packet of Darjeeling tea into each cup. Mom smiled up at me as I placed the steeping beverage in front of her.

“I’m sorry. I know this isn’t easy for you,” she apologized. “Brad knows he’s welcome over here, though, right?” She wrapped her fingers around the warm ceramic mug and stared at the tea bag diffusing in front of her.

“I’m sure he knows he’s welcome,” I answered. “He’s just letting pride and stubbornness stand in his way.” I blew across the top of my tea and inhaled the rich Darjeeling aroma. “I’m not sure what’s going on with him, but he’s been acting weird a lot recently. I get the feeling there’s something he’s not telling me, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Leaving me in the dark seems to be his thing, though. No pun intended.” I sipped on my tea then set my cup down. “I feel like the rug is about to be taken out from underneath me, and I won’t be able to do anything to stop it.”

“Well, he might be embarrassed,” Mom proffered. “Men seem to deal with things differently than us women do. Trust me. How your dad and I handle stress is quite different from one another. I like talking things out when there’s a problem. Your dad prefers being quiet and dealing with it on his own. That’s just how he was built.”

“I hear you, but this isn’t that. Brad’s hiding something, and I’m not sure the reason for all the secrecy.”

“Really?” Mom seemed confused.

“Did I tell you about the cigarettes Julia found at our house today in Brad’s workbench?” I pulled out a kitchen drawer and handed Mom a spoon for her tea, then slowly slid the drawer back into place.

Mom shook her head, thoughtfully stirring her drink. “That’s an unexpected find. What was Julia doing going through Brad’s stuff?”

“Does that really matter?” I answered. I grimaced as my disrespect hit the air. “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. It’s been a long day, and a lot of stuff isn’t adding up. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not handling it very well, but that’s not your fault. Your question didn’t warrant disrespect,” I apologized. My shoulders sagged with a deep sigh. “Julia said she was looking for an attachment for the outside hose. She figured there might be one somewhere in the garage, so she went hunting, not snooping. It was purely a coincidence that she stumbled across his stash. Brad doesn’t have a clue we discovered it. Julia put them back in their secret place. Not sure what I’m supposed to do with this information, but figured that’s a battle for another day.”

Mom studied my face for a moment and nodded. “You’re right. It doesn’t matter how they were found, fact is, they were. Knowing you, I’m assuming they’re not yours.”

“You got that right.” I gagged at the mere thought. “I can’t imagine the story he’s going to tell when I finally get up the nerve to confront him, though. Wouldn’t surprise me if he’s already planned some elaborate tale to tell, just in case he gets caught. There’s always some excuse for why I’m crazy for assuming the obvious.” I took another sip of tea before continuing. “You haven’t seen him smoking, have you?”

Mom shook her head, at a loss. “No, but Brad’s pretty scarce when you visit here. Even when you come over on the weekends, he’s not really present.”

I sat down on the barstool next to Mom and cozied up to the counter, setting my drink in front of me. “What do you mean?”

“Well, when the three of you come for lunch, he barely says two words. Yeah, he might actually eat with us, but blink, and he’s outta here first chance he gets. It’s like he can barely tolerate being around us. Dad and I haven’t said anything, but we’ve noticed.”

“Oh.” I stared at the counter, in need of words. “He’s just tired. That’s all. Late nights at the office wear him out. It’s not just you. Calleigh and I barely see him during the week, either. By the time the weekend comes, he’s zapped and in need of rest.”

“And what’s he doing all those late hours?” Mom inquired. “He’s not teaching any more, Hope. He has an eight-hour-a-day, hourly paying job now, one he can leave at the office, so his absence doesn’t make sense. You’ve even said it yourself. His paycheck isn’t showing overtime, so where is he if he isn’t at home with you and Calleigh? Out drinking? Playing poker? Seeing another woman? He’s not present in your life, and my question is, ‘Why?’”

I bit my lower lip, staring into my tea. “I don’t know. There’s so much private, covert, stealthiness surrounding Brad right now. I feel like I’m going to wake up one day and find myself blindsided, but by what? That’s probably the worst part, the unknown, not knowing how to protect myself from what’s coming next.” The weight on my heart felt insurmountable. “This isn’t the Brad I married. The Brad I married would never sneak around or make me question his actions. But this person? I don’t know who this person is. I’m on pins and needles all the time, and he feels like a complete stranger.” I traced the rim of my cup, wiping perspiration from the glazed edge. “I want to be able to trust my husband, but everything out of his mouth feels dishonest and like a lie. I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t. Even if I can’t prove it, it feels like he’s covering something up.”

“I get that,” Mom empathized. Her soft facial features creased into deep worry lines as she watched me lament. “People do change, Hope. You need to take an honest look at your marriage. You may not be dealing with the same guy you married.” She placed her hand over mine. “May I have permission to speak openly?”

I braved looking into her eyes. “Always.”

“I began noticing a change in Brad a while ago. Nothing big at first; but, still, there was something.” She paused, organizing her thoughts. Anticipation pooled in my stomach as I waited for her to continue. “I’m not sure if you’ve seen it, but Brad’s eyes always look glazed over, like he’s medicated or on something. Dad noticed it first and brought it to my attention, but we decided not to say anything, because we didn’t want to go falsely accusing Brad of something.” She chewed on her lower lip, determining the kindest way to say what needed to be said next. “Like I mentioned a moment ago, Brad isolates himself from everybody when you’re here. He shuts himself off in the back room for three to four hours at a time, usually until you’re ready to leave, and he acts like we don’t exist. He sleeps most of the time he’s here, or at least I assume that’s what he’s doing back there. Whatever the case, it’s not normal, and it doesn’t feel right.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t mean anything by it,” I chose to excuse his idiosyncrasies.

“I’m sure he doesn’t,” Mom replied, “but his mannerisms and social disregard cause your dad and me concern. That’s all I’m saying. This is your call. Just wanted you to know we’ve observed a change, too.”

I nodded, not knowing how else to respond.

Mom took another sip of tea then dabbed the edges of her mouth with a napkin lying on the counter. “Well, enough about that. At least you and Calleigh can sleep comfortably tonight. No need for you to suffer and be miserable, too.”

I wrapped my arm around Mom’s shoulders and kissed her softly on the cheek. “Thank you. I don’t know what we’d do without ya. I love you. You know that, right?”

Mom smiled, squeezing my hand. “I do. I just wish everything didn’t have to be such a struggle for you and that precious little girl in there.” She motioned to the guest room, letting out a slow sigh. “You deserve better.”

“We’ll keep praying about it,” I confirmed. “Hopefully, it’s just a phase.”

Looking into my eyes, Mom touched the side of my face. “Look up Jeremiah 29:11. There’s a special message tucked away in there for ya.”

“No need,” I responded. “I know that one by heart.” I closed my eyes and recited the words, letting each one sink in. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” When I opened my eyes, I witnessed tears flowing down Mom’s cheeks.

“You’re the strongest person I know,” she whispered. “I’m so proud of you. God’s going to get you through this, Sweet Girl, and you’re going to find yourself a stronger person because of it. I just know it.”

“I hope you’re right,” I whispered back, “because right now, I don’t feel so strong.”

Mom forced another smile and squeezed my hand a little tighter. “That’s why He gave you me. You’re not alone. We’ll get through this together.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Calleigh pressed a couple of jagged pebbles into the palm of my hand for safe keeping during our walk to the park then extended a fistful of weeds toward me for inspection. “Do you think Grandma will like these?” Her collection appeared to be a smooshed bouquet of yellow budding dandelions and long blades of grass.

“I’m sure they will look beautiful on her table,” I concurred. “Grandma will love that you thought of her.” I pinched the tip of Calleigh’s nose, trying to encourage a playful spirit.

“Daddy would like them, too,” she added, pressing her nose into the limp stems. “He likes yellow flowers, ya know? Especially daisies.”

“Yes, I know.” I managed a weak smile.

Calleigh released the wadded bouquet into my hand and stared up at me. “When’s he comin’ to get us?” Her opulent brown eyes shimmered in the sunlight, displaying an unguarded trust.

“I don’t know, Sweetie. As soon as the air’s back on and there’s water at our house, I imagine.” I let out a deep sigh. In the three days Calleigh and I had been at my parents’ house, Brad had allowed a second bill to become delinquent, and our water had been turned off, as well.

“You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need,” Mom had offered upon hearing the news.

“Thank you, but I’m ready to head home and back to our normal routine,” I had contended. “I appreciate the offer, but there’s so much that needs to be done at home right now. Catching up is going to be a bear.”

“Well, until living arrangements become tolerable at your house, think of this as a mini-vacation,” Mom had spun the negative into a positive. “Choose to enjoy the break from the norm, and don’t worry about what’s out of your control.”

“I’ll do what I can,” I had promised.

“I know you will.”

For three whole days, we had spent endless hours splashing in Grandpa and Grandma’s pool, had created sidewalk chalk games to engage Calleigh’s nonstop imagination, designed the world’s best choo-choo train with dining room chairs and patio pillows, and sang alongside a stuffed animal choir on Grandma’s couch while passing the time, waiting to go home. Now, I stood with a genuine display of affection wilting in my hand.

“Can we call Daddy when we get back to Grandma’s house and ask him if he’s coming to get us tonight?” Calleigh skipped along the sidewalk as we progressed toward the neighborhood playground slide. “Can we? Can we?”

“We can,” I kept my voice calm, “but don’t go getting your hopes up. I don’t know if Daddy will even answer his phone.” I tried keeping the sorrow from seeping out of my eyes as I thought, Sorry you’re being punished because of me, Kiddo, but my messages go straight to voice mail. I doubt you’ll be talking with him tonight.

“But, we can try, right?” Calleigh danced on one foot then the other, barely able to contain herself. “I miss him, and I know he misses me. Please, Mommy?”

“I said we’ll try. That’s all I can promise.”

“OK!” She exuded hopefulness.

As we both stepped up to the slide, Calleigh climbed to the top, paused, and looked down at me, sizing up the situation. “Mommy, are you all right? You look sad.”

“I’m fine,” I promised. “Be careful not to burn your legs as you go speeding down the slide. The sun’s pretty hot today.”

“You can’t burn your legs on a snowy mountain,” Calleigh chuckled.

“Oh, are you sledding down the Alps this fine afternoon?” I leaned against an iron post near the slide and plastered on an amused grin.

“Uh-huh. I’m pretending it’s cold outside, and I’ve climbed to the top of this ta-a-a-a-lllllll mountain.” She stretched her arms to the sky, extending her torso as far as it would go.

“Be careful. You don’t want to fall,” I gave a second warning. Calleigh lowered herself into a seated position, placing her feet in front of her. “And, now that you made it to the top, whatcha gonna do?” I played along.

“I’m going to race my bobsled to the bottom.” She pretended to adjust her imaginary goggles over her eyes and wiggled her hiney on the metal platform.

“And where have you heard of bobsledding, my silly li’l Florida girl?” I teased.

“On TV this morning,” she happily bantered. “It was on my show.”

“Oh, I see. Well, enjoy the ride!” My own words caused me to pause. No matter how rotten the twists and turns of this life, this is not a dress rehearsal. This is my life. The words resonated at my core. Enjoy the ride!