Chapter 46

Dumbfounded by the news of Brad’s actions, Val’s concern resonated through the phone. “Did you call the police? Do the authorities know what’s going on?”

“And tell them what? That my husband scares me? That I don’t feel safe in my own home?” I released a deep sigh. “What are they going to do? I can’t prove any harm’s been done. No broken bones. No visible bruises. No blaring black eye. It’s not like they could arrest him for anything. Involving the authorities would only infuriate Brad and put us in danger.” Hopelessness wrapped its fingers around my heart. “Val, he’s a master at this. He knows nothing will stick, because the abuse is hidden. It’s untraceable, unrecognizable to most people. No one would even believe me if I told them he’s terrorizing us at home. He gets away with everything because he’s a charmer, always has been. People view him as the ideal husband. The perfect father. An absolute saint. Since they don’t witness what we go through at home, they’d dismiss it and call me a lunatic.”

“So, what are you going to do? This is no way to live,” Val reasoned. “Plus, think what kind of message this is sending Calleigh. Staying with Brad is teaching her this type behavior is acceptable from a man. Is that really what you want her growing up believing? What she’s learning now she’ll carry into her future.”

“I know, but I can’t just up and leave him.” I agonized over my reality. “We’re married. I promised ‘for better or for worse.’ Apparently, this is the part they warn you about. I just never thought it would happen to me.” I ran my fingers through my hair, tucking a lock behind my ear. “I keep trying to figure out what I said or did to set him off this time, because it can’t honestly be about pizza, can it?” I paced back and forth across our kitchen floor, unable to make myself stand still.

“Hope, you’re not crazy. Brad needs help,” Val responded. “I don’t care what you did or didn’t do. No self-respecting man would ever beat someone up—physically or verbally—and call it love. I may be stepping out of line here, and you can tell me to back off if you want to, but I think you need to hear this, so I’m going to say it. You deserve better. You deserve someone who is kind and thoughtful and values you as a person, and not just when it’s convenient for him. Yes, true love sticks through the ups and downs when life throws you curveballs, but it’s not abusive, adding to the problem and making it worse.”

A humorous chuckle proceeded her next thought. “You know, God’s timing is interesting. Just this morning, my devotional book focused on 1 John 4:18 where it talks about there being no fear in love. That’s what got me thinking about 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, long before I knew I’d be talking with you today. I encourage you to read through those verses after we hang up. Compare your marriage and your current situation with Brad to what God’s definition of love is. I would also suggest getting out a pen and piece of paper and writing down what comes to you. I think you’ll find a stark contrast between what you’ve been living and what God designed.”

I nodded, imagining the differences I would find. “I’ll make sure to do that,” I promised. “Thank you for not running from the hard stuff. I know it couldn’t have been easy bringing that up.”

“Hope, you have plenty of friends and family nearby who will take you in and help you out if you’re in physical danger,” Val added. “You don’t have to stay in a toxic environment and prove anything to anyone. I know it takes courage to act on the difficult decisions, but God will make a way out. Whatever you decide, you are not alone.”

I let out a deep sigh. “I know. I’m just not ready to take that step, yet. It’s so…final.” The thought didn’t feel like freedom, but rather loud metal clanking jail cell doors thudding shut. “It would change everything and obliterate my marriage. There would be no coming back from it. Brad would never forgive me. I know I wouldn’t, if I were in his shoes.”

Val’s voice grew tender. “But is there really anything left saving? Be honest with yourself. Do you trust Brad? I mean, will you ever really trust him again after what happened in front of Calleigh this morning? He put you in a very dangerous situation, Hope, and I know you know I’m speaking the truth. The outcome could’ve been a much different story. God provided a way of escape this time. I don’t know what narrative you’re telling yourself, but you don’t need to wait for there to be a next time. I’m telling you from the outside looking in, it’s bad enough now.”

I allowed Val’s words to penetrate my doubt. “I don’t trust him,” I answered. “And what makes matters worse? He has no remorse. None. He feels like a complete stranger.” My shoulders sagged, defeat overwhelming my logic. “I don’t think there’s any way to fix this kind of broken.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hanging up the phone, I remembered my promise to Val. Wandering into my bedroom, I found my Bible in the nightstand, along with a lined notebook and blue ballpoint pen. Pulling them out of the drawer, I sat on the edge of my bed and folded back the cover of the notebook, drawing a line down the center of the first page, creating two columns. On the top left side, I wrote, “What the Bible says.” On the right-hand side, I penned another header stating, “My relationship with Brad.” I then opened my Bible to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and started comparing God’s definition of love to my relationship. My findings spilled across the lined sheet of paper without taking much effort:

• Love is patient. Brad is demanding and entitled.
• Love is kind. Brad puts me down and calls me names.
• Love does not envy. Brad wishes for more money and a prettier wife.
• Love does not boast. Brad brags about being smarter than everyone else.
• Love is not proud. Brad never says he’s sorry.
• Love does not dishonor others. Brad raped me before marriage.
• Love is not self-seeking. Brad puts his wants and needs above everyone else’s.
• Love is not easily angered. Brad flips on a dime and yells at his family.
• Love keeps no record of wrong. Brad uses my flaws against me every chance he gets.
• Love does not delight in evil. Brad relates to a serial killer.
• Love rejoices with the truth. Brad is secretive and lies through omission.
• Love always protects. Brad doesn’t pay our bills, leaving us sweltering in the heat.
• Love always trusts. Brad deleted personal texts messages from my phone.
• Love always hopes. Brad’s paranoia has everyone fearful, walking on eggshells.
• Love always perseveres. Brad told me, “You can leave whenever you want.”

Love. Never. Fails.

Tears rushed down my face, offsetting my pain as I underlined “never” three times. There’s nothing redeeming about this list, I cried. My relationship with Brad is a colossal failure. There’s no saving our marriage; because, truth is, he doesn’t love me. Not even a little. My breath stuttered as I exhaled, conceding the outcome of my findings. I guess it’s time to figure out how to move on.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

My cell phone rang a few moments later, interrupting my discovery. “Hello.” I forced a pleasant tone, despite the turmoil tearing up my heart.

“Hope? Hope Moore?” The familiar voice caused my heart to catch in my throat and a strange gratitude to flood over my senses.

“Oh, my word! Gavin, is that you? Of course, it has to be you. I’d recognize your voice anywhere,” I stammered. My hand flew to my mouth, covering my shock.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Gavin answered with a laugh. “How’s my long lost friend doing?”

“Me? Hanging in there, I suppose.” I couldn’t shake the surprise or get past his timing. “What has it been? Five? Ten years? To what do I owe this pleasure?” I placed my Bible, paper, and pen on the bed next to me.

Gavin chuckled. “Something like that.”

His sudden reappearance raised my suspicion. “OK, so I don’t hear from you in almost a decade and you suddenly decide today of all days to call me?” I addressed the oddity. “What’s the real story behind this phone call? Did someone reach out and tell you what’s been going on over here?”

“Good sleuthing, Detective,” he teased. “All I will say is that a little birdie told me things have been pretty rough for you recently, and you could probably use a friend right about now.” My eyes welled up with tears. “I figured since I still had your number, I might as well try it and see if it still worked. Seems it does.” In my mind’s eye, I could see him smile.

“I knew this call wasn’t an accidental,” I laughed. “Does this birdie have a name?”

“Nope,” he snickered. “It up and flew away before I had a chance to ask.”

“Sure it did.” I grinned. “You and your imagination. Nice to see some things haven’t changed.” I could feel my body relax with the safety of his voice. “So, tell me, how are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” Gavin replied, “but I didn’t call to talk about me. I called to find out how things are going with you and the hubster. Anything you might want to share?”

“Full transparency? Not so great,” I admitted. “I may be looking at divorce, but I’m not even sure how that’s possible. I waited for the right guy. Kept my standards high. Prayed over everything before making the big decisions. I was never going to be one of those statistics, ya know? But I give and give and give in my relationship with Brad, and it’s never enough. It’s all very much one sided.”

“I’m not judging you,” Gavin assured me. “I’m just here to lend support. That being said, I’m sorry I’ve been MIA for the past few years. I’m also sorry for falling off the face of the earth and never saying goodbye; but, as you know, I had my own stuff to work through.” He released a sigh. “That’s not an excuse, but it is the reason.”

“Understood,” I answered.

For the next thirty minutes, I highlighted the demise of my relationship with Brad: his obsession with smoking, drinking, narcotics, and eventually becoming addicted; being isolated from family and friends while Brad controlled all our money; Brad’s gambling issues and late nights at the office. “Then there’s all the dishonesty when I question him about his whereabouts,” I shared with sadness. “He’ll twist and distort details until they morph into whatever convenient tale he wants to match his reality, but none of it resembles the truth.” I mindlessly traced the word HOLY on the cover of my Bible with my pointer finger, trying to distract myself from the shame which accompanied my words. “Verbal abuse is almost guaranteed to follow if I show any interest in Brad’s life,” I continued, “so I’ve learned not to ask how it’s going at work. That’s why I know very little about what he does all day long, and he never finds it important enough to ask how I’m doing. Doesn’t really matter, because I know he doesn’t care. It’d all be for show, going through the actions.” I bit my lower lip, trying to formulate my next thought. “It’s embarrassing to admit, even to you, but I feel like such a loser. I’m not a dumb or ignorant person, but I never saw any of this coming. Maybe that’s why I can’t wrap my mind around it. None of it makes sense.”

“You are not a loser,” Gavin emphasized, “and nothing you’ve shared makes me think less of you. Not one iota. I know your heart is in the right place, Hope. It always has been. You need to believe that, too.”

“Aww, thanks for saying that,” I replied. “But how could I have not known? Brad and I dated for more than a year. How could I have missed all the signs? He’s not that great of an actor. However, now I walk into a room with him, and I don’t know if I’ll be getting Jekyll or Hyde.”

“Yeah, but it was young love back then,” Gavin pointed out. “You didn’t know any better. You believed the best in him, because that’s what love does. It sounds like he’s taken advantage of your trust, but don’t ever regret being vulnerable and sharing your heart. That’s what makes you authentic and real…and you. You don’t ever have to apologize for that!”

Guilt weighed on my shoulders, and I shrugged. “Maybe, but it’s hard when I never feel like I’m enough.”

“But you are,” Gavin enforced. “You just need to start believing it. Is there anything I can do to help?”

I shook my head. “Not really. Just pray. I’m still not sure how God wants me to proceed with this. The next few days are going be very difficult, and I can’t mess it up.”

Understanding flooded Gavin’s acknowledgement. “Most definitely! I will move you to the top of my prayer list. Is there anything else?”

“Thank you,” I responded, “but I think that’s it.”

“There’s one more thing before we hang up,” Gavin grabbed for my attention.

“What’s that?” I asked, noting the special tenderness in his approach.

“Hope, I know this is long overdue, but I want to take responsibility for my role in where you find yourself with Brad right now. That’s kind of why I called. I know I’m partly to blame.”

His sentiment caught me off guard. “What do you mean? You didn’t know Brad before I married him. You couldn’t have warned me against him or protected me from what he would do.”

“I know,” Gavin replied, “but I set the stage during your formative years, while we were dating, for how you would view all other relationships with the men in your life. And, for that, I cannot say I’m sorry enough. I want to offer my deepest apologies for any part I’ve played in making you believe you deserve anything less than total respect. I did a very poor job setting a positive example for you, and I wish more than anything I could have a redo, because I’d do things so much differently! That’s what I’m apologizing for. I never meant for my actions to cause you this kind of pain.”

If I hadn’t been sitting down, I might have fallen over. “You really mean that, don’t you?” I asked, hardly believing my ears.

Sincerity coated his words. “Of course, I do.”

“Strangely, I believe you,” I replied, “but I do have one question that’s lingered all these years, and only you can answer it. Mind if I ask it?” I waited for him to reply.

“Ask away. I’ll tell you anything you need to know,” he promised. “You deserve closure, and I’d like to give that to you, if I can. I owe you that much.”

I released a heavy sigh. “Why did you kiss me?”

Gavin chuckled. “Somehow, I knew that was going to be your question.” He released a slow sigh and thoughtfully laid out his answer. “I kissed you, because I wanted to know what it felt like to be real. You were the one true thing I had going on in my life, and I craved the connection.” He paused to allow his words to sink in. “I don’t know how to explain it, other than, you were different–in a good way. Everyone else in my life wanted something from me. But, you? You let me be Gavin and whatever that craziness entailed. You brought out a side of me I didn’t feel I needed to hide–and that’s saying a lot, especially if you had known what was occupying my headspace during that time. You didn’t require me to act any particular way, either. I could be completely open and authentic with you. You accepted me for who I was, no questions asked, and that was refreshing! So, I thank you for that.”

“Of course.” The compliment warmed my heart.

“The other thing that drew me to you was how safe I felt,” he continued, “so when the moment presented itself, I kissed you, because—like I said—I wanted to know what real would feel like. In my mind, you embodied all of that. Plus, I figured, maybe being close to you would somehow rub off and help me start believing in me, too. It was completely selfish on my part, but it wasn’t fake.”

“So, I wasn’t crazy. You and me. That was real. I didn’t imagine it.” The revelation settled in around me like a long-awaited, welcomed guest.

“No, you didn’t,” Gavin disclosed. “I know it doesn’t change things now, but, yes, I felt it, too. The thing that complicated things back then is the fact that I wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone, not just you, and I knew it wasn’t time for me to settle down. That’s where I went wrong. I crossed a line that should’ve never been crossed until I was able to commit, to the person I was with, fully. In those moments, I knew I couldn’t give you what you wanted, needed, and deserved, so that’s what made my actions especially wrong. I stirred up a passion that was real, and then I just walked away. You didn’t deserve to be part of my collateral damage. That was completely unfair to you, and that’s what I regret the most. I never meant to hurt you.” The sadness in his voice broke my heart all over again.

The words that came to me fell effortlessly from my lips. “I would have waited.”

My words seemed to pain Gavin. “I know you would have. That’s why I had to break all ties. It wasn’t fair for me to ask you to wait. I just never imagined me walking away would some day lead you to someone like Brad. That’s on me, and I wish there was some way I could take it back. You deserve someone who will treat you like a queen, who cares about your well-being, and cries when you cry. Not someone who is the cause of your tears.”

“Thank you for the closure,” I answered, feeling a freedom enter the room. “Since we’re laying all our cards out, I want you know something.”

“What’s that?” Gavin replied.

“I have never loved anyone the way I loved you. I know you’re married now, and that doesn’t change anything, but I needed to say it.” Tears pooled in my eyes.

“I know,” Gavin confirmed. “Thank you for that gift.”

“Talking about gifts…,” I laughed. “Getting this unexpected apology from you is one of the greatest gifts you could’ve ever given me, and, strangely, it’s something I didn’t even know I needed.” We both chuckled, softening our regrets. “It wasn’t until talking with you today that I realized I’ve been second guessing myself all these years, probably because of how utterly insane I felt that day you left me at my mom and dad’s house. I didn’t know how I was going to go on without you, but I knew I didn’t have any other choice. I knew you were gone the moment you walked out the front door, but I never put two and two together regarding how it’s affected me and Brad. So, I thank you for that.”

“Like I said, I cannot say I’m sorry enough!”

Gavin’s sincerity gave me the freedom to forgive him in ways I may not have found strength to any other way.

“I take full responsibility in how this has harmed you,” he continued, “and I would do anything to go back in time and change how I behaved if it were in my power to do so, but since I can’t, please don’t let the scars from our past taint your future. God hasn’t brought you this far to only bring you this far. Hope, you have a rare testimony and a light that others need to hear and see, so don’t let anybody tell you differently!”

I nodded as a tear trickled down my cheek. “I accept your apology,” I extended my gratitude, “but if I’m going to forgive you, you need to promise me that you will forgive yourself, too. It goes both ways.”

“It’s a deal,” Gavin replied. “Maybe, now, some healing can begin.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Placing my Bible back on my nightstand, I stood and turned, finding myself looking into the master bedroom mirror. Strangely, I didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me, so I walked closer to the image to get a better look. Gazing long and hard into the eyes reflecting from the glass, I thought, Wow! Her face is gaunt, and her complexion’s pale, yet the emptiness inside her seems strangely familiar and deeply disturbing. I stared a little harder. Weird. I also see a hollowness in her I can relate to. That’s not good. Reaching out, I touched the reflection with my hand, half expecting a human to emerge. Instead, cold glass met my finger tips. I sighed. Something is wrong here. I don’t even recognize myself any more.